Just Grow Up

Words of wisdom for us all

Digital Collage by Stella Kalaw

Nobody would have guessed Goldie would be the last one standing, but she is.

Goldie, one of my mother's younger sisters, turned 100 this past February, having outlived her eight siblings. She’s my last surviving aunt or uncle in both my mother’s and father’s families. 

She’s aware of what’s going on around her, not quite so mobile anymore, but definitely still going strong; Goldie’s planning on reaching 108 (the age of the oldest resident in her retirement building). Who knows, she might get there. After all, with much determination and effort, she managed to regain her speech following a stroke two years ago. She has pushed herself to walk again after a fall that broke her hip a year ago. Yes, she uses a walker, but she gets around the building under her own steam.

I was in Toronto a couple of weeks ago, visiting family. I try to make at least one trip a year to show my face so the grandnephews have a person to associate with my name. I always make a point of visiting Aunt Goldie. After all, there may not be a next visit. 

This time my sister and I arranged to visit just after Goldie’s lunchtime. We had a lovely time catching up—what was going on in my life, what was happening in hers, her children’s, grandchildren’s, and great-grandchildren’s.

Goldie has lived in this community for at least a decade. She made the decision to move from independent living in her condo to assisted living when her son-in-law retired, and he and her daughter were planning to spend their winters in the warmth of California. With Goldie nearing 90, they were worried about not being around to support her. Goldie made the generous decision to move to assisted living so they could enjoy their retirement freedom without being anxious about her.

The community she moved into is pleasant, with attentive staff and many residents who are still active and social. Goldie decided to make the most of the situation and reached out to other residents. Her strategy paid off. People accepted her company and conversation. Staff pop into her room to check on how she’s doing, ask if they can do anything for her, and chitchat about their families and ask about hers. Over time, Goldie has built a community for herself.

One of the other residents who had a room next to Goldie’s was actually a neighbour who had lived across the street from her in Halifax. Marie had moved to Toronto, as had Goldie, to be near children and grandchildren. They spent time together, enjoying one another’s company. A couple of months ago, Marie died. Goldie missed her but stoically moved on. Shortly after Marie died, another former neighbour from Halifax arrived in the community. Emma (around 95) is not adjusting well to the transition from independent to supported living; she is cranky, miserable, in tears a good deal of the time.

Goldie has visited Emma often but told us she is running out of patience with her. 

“In fact, yesterday I told her to grow up! Life changes! You have to be flexible. Move on. If you give this place a chance, you can make a life for yourself here. Just grow up!” 

And with that, Goldie walked out of Emma’s room. The image of Goldie at 100 telling Emma at 95 to “grow up!” was just too funny; we burst out laughing.

At 81, I think about the wisdom of Goldie’s approach to living. If you’re cheerful and friendly with people, they’re happy spending time with you, sharing what’s going on in their lives, interested in yours. If you’re miserable, wishing you were elsewhere, closed off, people stay away. It’s a choice we all have to make, not just when we’re old, but throughout our lives.

In our older years, choosing to be open to new people becomes more important, if difficult. As people in our circle of friends move away or die, we need to actively seek out new people (both young and old) with whom to spend time. Critical to making new friends is being open, cheerful, and interested. 

No point in trying to hold on to the past, we all have to constantly “just grow up!”