My mom is 98 and has outlived absolutely everyone in her life sans her kids, grandkids and great grandkids. All her siblings and friends and my dad (long gone now) and it is lonely.
Staying active and engaged really seems to be key to ensuring the days are filled and that loneliness doesn't descend. I know someone who is 65 and filled with loneliness but won't engage. I strongly suspect she is not going to live to be near as old as I am.
Hi Ruth :) Nice to e-meet you here on Substack :) Fellow Canadian here (from British Columbia). I loved this post. Unfortunately, I will not live to see my 80’s - perhaps not even my 70’s as I have inoperable Ovarian Cancer. I was diagnosed almost exactly one year ago, went through an 8 hour surgery which almost killed me, and ever since I feel I have been wandering around in a daze. I occasionally find myself staring into space, hearing the words “Ovarian Cancer” like a chant in my head. Although I’ve had a lifetime of illness and trauma (detailed in my 3 Part Series “The 2nd Daughter”, I thought I had jumped all the hurdles until last March. I thought I might die of heart issues (my father passed at 60 from heart attack) or I might succumb to the indignities of Alzheimer’s, but life had another plan for me. I love that you are so engaged with life even as you grapple with loneliness. I will be Subscribing to you to see where life takes you :). I invite you to pop by my Substack: “The Wistful Neo-Druid” and hopefully Subscribe if you enjoy my posts! Take good care of yourself!
I've been struggling with these same thoughts. But I've also thought..."why am I preparing to die?" So why get rid of things to make life easier for my son? I had to go through my parent's home. It was almost like it was a right of passage. I would drive to West Tennessee a few times a week for four months to go through the rooms I chose to go through — living room, attic and laundry room... What I found was amazing. Letters, photos, junk, stuff, and junk all of which brought back memories or filled in the blanks. I love to decorate and see pretty things. And I admit, I don't like too much stuff but for now, I'm not going to worry about what mess I leave behind but keep living with my mess until I can't anymore. Maybe my son will learn more about me when I'm gone (good things I hope.)
My father had a routine before he went out, part practical, part shtick. He'd tap his pants pockets to make sure his keys and wallet were there, his breast pocket for his glasses, the top of his head to ensure his hat was on, and then his mouth to be certain his teeth were in.
Ruth, oh my dear, this is just where I am, 84 and holding. I too make my bed every morning now just because it looks nice and one never knows. Thank you for your good words.
Sweet Ruth, everyone says the alternative to getting older is......fill in the blank. I do not mind the chronological age number so much as all the baggage that seems to accompany it. My mind is clear, thank some native intelligence, providence and G-d. Sometimes too clear. While I work a bit and volunteer a bit , mostly it's just me. Family, oh boy, yes. Friends, sigh, not so much. Dear Ruth, continue opining and writing sharing your thoughts with the universe and us is wonderful. Thank you.
Affirming post, Ruth. I do exactly what you say. Have the house, clean, washing done, bed made - before going anywhere. It's a good habit. My Mum did it till she was 90. She was living on her own, and gardening right till the end.
As for the clean undies - my mum said that too. The thing is, who doesn't put on clean underwear every day?
Re the stairs, I've got an 80 year old friend who is from the Netherlands where all houses have stairs. Her comment is that it keeps limbs limber as one ages. Use it or lose it. Some days it does hurt to climb stairs but golly, it's better than the dark alternative!
As I read, I wondered if we shared the same mother. I knew Mom, who lived in another city not close to where I live, was getting rid of things by having yard sales. She'd labeled items she wanted my brother or me to have. About a week before she died, we drove to see her. How little she had - her closets and drawers were so empty. Her kitchen and bathroom tho' had all the paper goods that had ever been on sale! A youth of the Depression (she was born in '24 and died just 4 months short of 79, an age that is only 2 years away from mine. I have outlived my dad's and maternal and paternal grandmothers' ages at death - there's no knowing) if it was on sale, she bought it. We laughed and, for reasons one day to be disclosed to my brother, took 2 of the paper plates from the stack. They, nearly 22 years later, live in the trunk of our car.
My mother used to stress that you should always wear clean underwear that didn't have holes in it in case you were in an accident. Just like washing the dishes so your house is presentable in case you don't get to return. Reputation was everything.
My mother and grandmother said the same thing about clean underwear. In fact, it used to crack me up. I thought it was ridiculous. Suddenly, it isn't. But I really don't care if my bed is made. I like my bedclothes to air !
My mom is 98 and has outlived absolutely everyone in her life sans her kids, grandkids and great grandkids. All her siblings and friends and my dad (long gone now) and it is lonely.
Staying active and engaged really seems to be key to ensuring the days are filled and that loneliness doesn't descend. I know someone who is 65 and filled with loneliness but won't engage. I strongly suspect she is not going to live to be near as old as I am.
Hi Ruth :) Nice to e-meet you here on Substack :) Fellow Canadian here (from British Columbia). I loved this post. Unfortunately, I will not live to see my 80’s - perhaps not even my 70’s as I have inoperable Ovarian Cancer. I was diagnosed almost exactly one year ago, went through an 8 hour surgery which almost killed me, and ever since I feel I have been wandering around in a daze. I occasionally find myself staring into space, hearing the words “Ovarian Cancer” like a chant in my head. Although I’ve had a lifetime of illness and trauma (detailed in my 3 Part Series “The 2nd Daughter”, I thought I had jumped all the hurdles until last March. I thought I might die of heart issues (my father passed at 60 from heart attack) or I might succumb to the indignities of Alzheimer’s, but life had another plan for me. I love that you are so engaged with life even as you grapple with loneliness. I will be Subscribing to you to see where life takes you :). I invite you to pop by my Substack: “The Wistful Neo-Druid” and hopefully Subscribe if you enjoy my posts! Take good care of yourself!
Ruth, you are an inspiration and I’m hopeful to age as well, only a few years behind you.
I've been struggling with these same thoughts. But I've also thought..."why am I preparing to die?" So why get rid of things to make life easier for my son? I had to go through my parent's home. It was almost like it was a right of passage. I would drive to West Tennessee a few times a week for four months to go through the rooms I chose to go through — living room, attic and laundry room... What I found was amazing. Letters, photos, junk, stuff, and junk all of which brought back memories or filled in the blanks. I love to decorate and see pretty things. And I admit, I don't like too much stuff but for now, I'm not going to worry about what mess I leave behind but keep living with my mess until I can't anymore. Maybe my son will learn more about me when I'm gone (good things I hope.)
Love your philosophy. I'm sure, try as I might, I will leave more than I want to.
Wait, did I mention how "really" afraid I am of leaving a mess? LOL It's definitely a conundrum. Loved your post so much.
Thank you for this calm, practical, and thoughtful reflection - points that a lot of us have on our minds now.
So touching and relatable. Thank you.
My father had a routine before he went out, part practical, part shtick. He'd tap his pants pockets to make sure his keys and wallet were there, his breast pocket for his glasses, the top of his head to ensure his hat was on, and then his mouth to be certain his teeth were in.
Ruth, oh my dear, this is just where I am, 84 and holding. I too make my bed every morning now just because it looks nice and one never knows. Thank you for your good words.
Sweet Ruth, everyone says the alternative to getting older is......fill in the blank. I do not mind the chronological age number so much as all the baggage that seems to accompany it. My mind is clear, thank some native intelligence, providence and G-d. Sometimes too clear. While I work a bit and volunteer a bit , mostly it's just me. Family, oh boy, yes. Friends, sigh, not so much. Dear Ruth, continue opining and writing sharing your thoughts with the universe and us is wonderful. Thank you.
Affirming post, Ruth. I do exactly what you say. Have the house, clean, washing done, bed made - before going anywhere. It's a good habit. My Mum did it till she was 90. She was living on her own, and gardening right till the end.
As for the clean undies - my mum said that too. The thing is, who doesn't put on clean underwear every day?
Re the stairs, I've got an 80 year old friend who is from the Netherlands where all houses have stairs. Her comment is that it keeps limbs limber as one ages. Use it or lose it. Some days it does hurt to climb stairs but golly, it's better than the dark alternative!
Cheers.
As I read, I wondered if we shared the same mother. I knew Mom, who lived in another city not close to where I live, was getting rid of things by having yard sales. She'd labeled items she wanted my brother or me to have. About a week before she died, we drove to see her. How little she had - her closets and drawers were so empty. Her kitchen and bathroom tho' had all the paper goods that had ever been on sale! A youth of the Depression (she was born in '24 and died just 4 months short of 79, an age that is only 2 years away from mine. I have outlived my dad's and maternal and paternal grandmothers' ages at death - there's no knowing) if it was on sale, she bought it. We laughed and, for reasons one day to be disclosed to my brother, took 2 of the paper plates from the stack. They, nearly 22 years later, live in the trunk of our car.
Thanks for your note Joan, your mother sounds like an interesting woman!
Nice story! Very relatable 🤓
Keep tackling those stairs, Ruth. And keep writing! Spit out my morning tea over not wanting your kids to kill you when you die.
Though I am more than a decade your junior, I completely relate to your story. Party on!
My mother used to stress that you should always wear clean underwear that didn't have holes in it in case you were in an accident. Just like washing the dishes so your house is presentable in case you don't get to return. Reputation was everything.
My mother and grandmother said the same thing about clean underwear. In fact, it used to crack me up. I thought it was ridiculous. Suddenly, it isn't. But I really don't care if my bed is made. I like my bedclothes to air !
I just always thought it was wild that in the event of an accident people would worry about underwear, not life and limb.
Bravo. Comic and touching piece